Adultery Survival Kit

Adultery Survival Kit

Post Affair Healing – Emotional Recovery

Your spouse had an affair, and you feel sick…

sick down to your soul. How can you move past this point of pain and despair, and feel happy again?

Having your spouse break your trust is one of the cruelest things that could happen to a person. It costs the victim so much.

In this blog, let’s examine the inequality that exists in the post-affair marriage—and how to recover more quickly, if you are the affair victim. Read on…

Post-Affair Marriage: An Uneven Burden

If an accident occurred and you were in pain, you could understand: it was an accident, and I am in pain as a result.

An affair is no accident: it is a premeditated decision, even if your spouse took two seconds to deliberate. Even if right after the sex they say, “What did I just do?” it is still a conscious decision—their foot didn’t slip off the brake accidentally.

An extra-marital affair needs to be fonfronted

Confront The Affair Head-On


When a spouse cheats, you could liken it to a car accident, in which one of the occupants in the vehicle (your marriage) gets thrown about the car, battered, bruised and broken, while the other occupant gets up, brushes themselves off—and goes on with their life seemingly without a scratch.

Even if your spouse is absolutely sick over what they’ve done, incredibly remorseful and begging for forgiveness, you are still the victim who got thrown around, and now need time to heal from being bruised and broken—and you were just an occupant, not at the wheel.

A cheater may push to rebuild the marriage immediately. They are anxious to undo the damage. What a cheater needs to understand is this: the burden, post-affair, is an uneven burden. The victim has so much more to carry, because they are the ones who have been so damaged through the loss of trust, the doubts and questions, the torrent of painful emotions and thoughts surrounding the affair.

An affair victim, in short, is broken across all levels—including their spirit.

Think about it: the emotional blow and the inner monologue you have about the affair, coupled with the sleepless nights, the racing thoughts, the anxiety for the future—it’s enough for anyone to lose hope.

An affair victim can feel so beat down by what has happened, they don’t know how to pick themselves back up. They want to heal, but they are despondent, exhausted, and tortured.

Here’s how to boost your spirit, so you can regain your sense of self beyond the affair and the remnants of your  marriage.

Post Affair Emotional Reoveryy

After the affair – then comes the emotional recovery


Step 1: Doctor’s orders…

Just as if you’d been in a real car accident, you need time to heal. Physically, emotionally and psychologically. You have experienced a trauma. What would a doctor recommend? Rest, and plenty of it. Exercise, to help clear your mind. Support, from loving friends and family. Journaling, to work out the painful emotions.

Take the time to heal—don’t try to push forward until you are ready. You’ll only experience a back-set.

Step 2: Rediscovery

No matter who you are with, or what the future holds for your marriage, you always have YOU. When is the last time you checked in with yourself and did what made you feel confident and happy?

Rediscover those things that feed your soul. At first, you may feel too depressed to do anything. Give yourself a chance: when you feel so depressed you don’t want to move, tell yourself you’re going to do this nice thing for yourself for just two minutes. Then, talk yourself into a few minutes more. Most people, once they get going, gain momentum and dig in to the very thing they’ve been putting off.

Step 3: Make a List of Spirit-Boosting Opportunities

Has your self-esteem been shattered? Then challenge yourself to do something you’ve always wanted to do, like run a marathon, to help boost your self-confidence. When you feel good about yourself, your spirit and outlook naturally radiate. The spirit is like any other part of you: it needs nurturing and attention. Find opportunities to do so.

Do you feel as if your spirit is broken?

What is your biggest struggle each day?

My best wises as you struggle through the emotional pain of your spouse’s affair.


Adultery Survival – Confrontation

By Dr. Huizenga

I’ve done some research on this very topic. I have around 200 case studies of real people facing adultery telling their stories of confronting the other person and am in the middle of gleaning words of wisdom.

When I initially began this research I assumed confronting the other person would be a no win situation – that it would merely stir a messy pot that would overflow and the situation would be worse than before.

Now, I’m not so sure.

Here’s a case study. Please leave your comment and bookmark, if you think worthy.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP regarding the affair and what did you say/do?

Post Affair Recovery

After An Affair You Need To Get A Sincere Apology.


I called her the day after I confirmed the affair and confronting my husband (cell phone records). I left her a nice message saying that I was his wife, we had been together 16 years, had 2 young kids, I was a recent cancer survivor and that I would like her to leave us alone. I never got a response from her but my husband said she felt bad about it and they weren’t talking anymore (yeah right!). About a month later I confirmed it was ongoing and called her with my husband in the room. I wasn’t nice and told her to back off or I would let her husband know (he had no idea) and also her job (high ranking gov. attorney). She tried to tell me it wasn’t her fault….my   marriage was disintegrating and there was nothing I could do about it….she knew we had two small kids and she thought they were beautiful since she has seen so many pictures!! She was horrible and cruel and didn’t care at all. All I did was add fuel to the fire when I contacted her. When we hung up she sent me a text message saying: Me single is your worst nightmare! Better think twice before you make any calls!!! I didn’t respond.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Surviving adultery

Just Learning That an Affair Really Will Hurt Everyone!

The affair continued and only got stronger. I kicked my husband out of the house 2 months after that call. He is still out of the house and it’s been almost 2 years! She lives 5 hours away (always has). He lives close to me and the kids. We are still married with no talk of divorce. The other woman is in the process of a messy divorce. To top it all off she gave birth to a daughter several months ago and DNA proves it belongs my husband. It’s a hard situation but we are trying to make the best of it all. We have not told our children (8 and 10). He has contact with the child and other woman but claims it’s just for the child. They fight all the time and she sends me nasty text messages and hang up calls. She thrives on the drama. I never respond….that is what she wants and I refuse to engage her petty, high school antics. All this from a very high ranking state employed attorney!!!!!!!! Come to find out she suffers from depression/panic/anxiety and is on meds. I’m still charging ahead and hanging in there. I haven’t lost hope.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Yes, I would do it differently. I would never have contacted her. I wouldn’t have kicked my husband out of the house. I would have held my cards much closer to my chest. I’ve never contacted or talked to her husband and I wouldn’t change that…I feel if I had contacted him in the beginning instead of her they would have been divorced a long time ago. The second he found out he filed…I think he was glad to be rid of her and finally had reason. My husband has confessed to me recently that she had affairs with 3 other men (in a 3 year time span) before she met him and her husband still has no idea!! This was my husbands only affair. I thought we had a great, stable marriage. I honestly think my illness is what set things off. So, I’d advise others to never contact the other person… never know what you will get. I just ending up adding fuel to the fire and extending the drama. Exactly what the  other woman thrives on!!

Dr. Huizenga has a wealth of help resources for those working through the recovery process of an a affair. Begin here to break free from the affair.


Post Affair Recovery – Emotional Healing

Learn How to Heal From an Affair…


Personal healing is probably one of the most difficult things to do after a marriage has been decimated by an affair.

Surviving adultery

Just Learning That an Affair Really Will Hurt Everyone!


The victim of the affair is often left alone to try and   save the marriage and mend her broken heart and spirit while the cheater expects her to “Just get over it!”

The cheater is ready to “move on” after their affair has been discovered while the victim is left picking up the pieces.

You see, most cheaters just don’t “get it.”

Some may eventually, but many, many others never do.

This is the typical scenario that Linda & Doug from Emotional Affair Journey have not only witnessed daily with the couples they communicate with, but also from their own experiences in recovering from infidelity.

An extra-marital affair needs to be fonfronted

Confront The Affair Head-On

Not surprisingly, after his affair Doug didn’t “get it” either at first.

Eventually, and with Linda’s help, he managed to get a clue and started doing the work that was necessary for Linda to heal herself and for the both of them to heal the marriage.

Through their experiences and research, they have discovered that there are 24 “tasks” that the cheater must perform in order to successfully help their spouse heal from their affair.

You can read more about their story by clicking the following link:

Healing from an Affair…/630497

After viewing the above you might want to further the steps to healing by checking out this resource. Dr. Bob Huizenga is a professional counselor and his knowledge coupled with many years of successful counseling will be a help as you recover from the trauma of an extra-marital affair.


By taking this brief survey you will be able to determine why your spouse cheated. You see the affair was not your fault. Your spouse made the decision to cheat. Even if it was an instantaneous decision , it was still made by them.

I wish you much success as you struggle to heal from this emotional experience.

Extra-marital affairs hurt.



Post Affair Emotions – Forgiveness


Lets take a look at the cost of forgiveness when dealing with post affair emotions.

I don’t know about you but I have needed a second chance many times in my life.  Not always the the same topic, but I have needed the gift of forgiveness and the Bible tells us to be forgiven we also must forgive.

Marriage and Communication

A Lasting Marriage Take A Lot of Communicating

I am reading a good study.  “The Prodigal God”.  One of it’s main topics is Forgiveness costs. To forgive you must be willing to pay a price. And to forgive you must first understand what stressed this  marriage, you gotta communicate.

The first thing you need to do if your marriage has suffered an adulterous affair is communicate – with yourself.

You need to get clear in your own head on what is really going on by ignoring all the noise. Forget the arguments, forget the fights and just get to the heart of the matter.

You’ll have to be brutally honest with yourself here because what you’re searching for is the truth. You want to dig past the clutter and the excuses and pinpoint the true reason or reasons your marriage began to go south.

Don’t gloss over the little things, because often it is simply a combination of so many little things piled one on top of the other with no one ever going back to apologize and make things right that add up to one seemingly unmovable Big Thing.

Many times these small mountains of little things, too long ignored, make a marriage start to sour. If they keep adding up, things go bad a lot faster. So really think about the life of your marriage, and be honest with yourself about what really happened. What were the core events or words that put a hitch in the smooth turn of the wheel?

Once you’ve pinpointed all the things you feel are the likely culprits for pushing your marriage to take a turn for the worst, your next step is to communicate with your spouse. Let him or her know that you want to sort out all the problems, get them out in the open and talk about them so you can figure out, together, what went wrong in your marriage because you never want to repeat these mistakes again.

Here’s a valuable hint to remember during these communications: Discuss does not mean argue. If you can’t act like a mature, responsible adult for the duration of a simple, single conversation to help make your marriage better now, how can you possibly expect to have a meaningful, long-term marriage?

Marriage restoration after the affair

Rebuilding The Trust in Your Marriage After An Affair


So the next step is to find out what he or she thinks started the damage to your marriage.

The point is for each of you to know what the other feels caused the marriage to go bad so you both will know exactly what needs working on – by both parties – to fix the marriage.

Next, ask if your partner feels your marriage has a chance, if they are interested (like you) in trying to change things for the better, working together to build a better life together, and then decide if you’re both willing and able to do what you now know it will take to make the necessary changes and put the marriage back on track.

Communication is one of the cornerstones of all meaningful marriages. If you haven’t been communicating with your partner, that could be one part of the problem. Make sure he or she knows you now understand this and that from here on out, you will definitely want to discuss your problems with each other, as well as possible solutions.

Why? Because by doing this, by communicating openly and honestly with each other about your hopes, fears, expectations and whatnot, both of you will be better equipped to make your marriage much better than it has ever been, to make your marriage the kind that lasts forever.

Talk about your problems, open up to forgiving if you have been offended. It you are the cheater then realize it will be a while before trust is fully offered to you by your spouse.

Marriages are just like a job.  They need attention and work. If you could use a few tips on dealing with an extra-marital affair in your marriage go here.

Best Wishes as you begin the healing and to your success in restoring your marriage.



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