Adultery Survival Kit

Adultery Survival Kit

Adultery Survival – Self Esteem

Nothing tears at your self-esteem and sense of well being more than your spouse committing adultery.

Surviving adultery

Just Learning That of an extra-marital Affair Really Will Hurt Everyone!


The question is often posed to me by someone in the midst of a painful extra-marital affair: : “What did I do wrong?”

You assume you failed. You ask yourself in the middle of the night, “What could I have done differently? If only I would have paid more attention, been less angry, been more positive, listened better, spent more time with” and the list of “If only I would haves” goes on and on.

You may feel terribly responsible and a part of you won’t let go of the idea that somehow, perhaps in glaring ways, you are to blame.

You kick yourself. You berate yourself. You want to turn the clock back. But, you can’t.

There’s another level to the erosion of self-esteem and self respect as well; another pernicious level that rips a hole in your soul.

I hear a suffering spouse utter or imply, “What’s wrong with me, that this could happen?”

You may believe that the adultery points to the reality that you are in some way defective and inadequate.

That sense of being defective or inadequate is finally brought, at least from your point of view, into the open. You as a person are outed.

Your nagging sense of inadequacy, you so valiantly tried to mask or overcome is now exposed.

It is exceedingly difficult to manage well and recover effectively from your marital crisis with low self esteem or shattered sense of self.

I want to help you regain your self respect so you can get on with the job of healing and restoration.

Regaining your self-esteem often occurs when you understand that you are neither totally responsible nor defective and inadequate but marriage or a relationship of significant emotional investment provides a rich environment for self esteem to get flushed down the toilet.


1. Marriage exposes you.

There is a vulnerability in all of us; at least all “normal” functioning people.

In most relationships you control others’ access to that part of you. You can hide. You can pretend. You can avoid.

You may attempt to use that same strategy with your spouse, but events, words and strong feelings emerge that cut through your façade and touch on that which you try to hide.

Your humanity, idiosyncrasies and foibles are exposed. They may or may not be accepted by your spouse. They may be acceptable to a degree at particular times.

2. You are taught an unrealistic ideal

We also are bombarded from the media and other, even well intentioned self help people, with an image of marriage or being married that flies in the face of reality.

I watch parts of the “Bachelorette” on television and cringe. Is this what it means to “fall in love” or “be in love?” Are most of us really that naïve, or do we get off on the silliness and superficiality of the show?

Or, is there a part of you that longs to be swept off your feet to some exotic place and live with that “love” for the rest of your married lives?

And so we believe that these beautiful people “have it.” And, we don’t.

We feel our emptiness, our frustration, our resentment, our loneliness and we think, “What’s wrong with me/us?”



Surviving Adultery – Healing

Hi Friend,

Healing From A Trusted Spouses Adultery Suggestions

Checking in to see where you are in the adultery survival healing process and offer you opportunities to make your recovery faster, more powerful and lasting.

Have you moved?….

From feeling  Victimized And Helpless> Rage > Anger > Frustration > Sadness > Confusion > Discovery > Clarity and Understanding > Peace > Joy > Hope????

Surviving adultery

Just Learning That an Affair Really Will Hurt Everyone!

Where are you?

Maybe two steps forward and one back? (That’s normal.)

Some days you skip around? (That’s normal.)

It takes time (usually 2-4 years to truly get over the hump.) . I learned late in life – Time Takes Time.

As you come to know that the adultery is NOT your fault…

As you come to understand the crazy motives of your Cheating Spouse .

[I read online where a Python swallowed a Porcupine – bad case of indigestion and eventual death for the Python. Reminded me of a cheating spouse – gorges on something that looks so juicy and enticing but leads to pain and eventual demise for the cheating spouse. Affairs do NOT work!]

As you heal the pain and images of adultery will soften….

The broken heart begins to heal… but the adultery experience truly never completely ends.

I want you to think about where you are now.

And I want you to know you can speed the process and put the last nail in the coffin of your cheating spouses adultery pain.

I’ve spent the last 9 months creating another layer of resources, expanding on what I’ve already offered, that provides in-depth checklists, videos, evaluations, healing shifts, expanded skill usage, my personal coaching input, outlined reviews, reports and much more.


Click on this link and Download your FREE “7 Types of Affairs Cheat Sheet.” Pinpoint the EXACT type of affair facing you so you know the next move.

Here’s hoping this can be of some help as you are now going through one of the worse emotional struggles of your life.


Adultery Survival – Love

Do you love me?


Do you REALLY love me?


Have you aimed these words in your marriage?


I assume you have.


Remember times, maybe not so long ago, that you felt a sense of
emptiness, aloneness, the distance and the disconnect in your marriage.


And, these are not pleasant feelings are they?


Can you feel these feelings now, as you think about them?


Can you picture the event, the words, the images, the place and the
circumstance in which your heart ached and you felt so emotionally


All of us, at one time or another, at varying levels, bump into this


Yes, it’s part of what it means to be human – created separate and longingly
searching to be one – to be connected.


But it’s more than that.


“Love” is bastardized in your world.


“Love” is diluted.


“Love,” the kind your heart and soul long for is not modeled, is not taught
and has no reference points for you.


And so, you and your spouse wander, bump into the emotional
disconnect and spin precious energy and time engaging in a dance where you step
on each other’s toes rather than come so close you can feel the hearts beat.


Start here.


Start by putting warm flesh, an open mind and a searching heart on the
word “Love.”


Start with an inventory which becomes a springboard for more.


You want in your marriage…….


  • a fresh vision for an emotional connection so you know what it looks
    like, feels like and how it acts.


  • a new language that describes and brings about your vision for that emotional


  • to know where, when and under what conditions that connection can be


  • a tool that is practical and doable; that you know works


  • a tool that keeps you and your spouse on a target pointed toward a
    real and powerful connection


  • clarity and understanding of this connection you both want

To begin your journey of moving from the disconnect to the possibility
of a deep and lasting connection, go to:

Share it with your spouse.


Use the checklist alone to invite an emotional connection into your
life and relationship.


It’s time to start!


It’s time to move.


It’s time to welcome a deeper emotional connection.


You CAN have a connection that fills the deep and lonely


You CAN move toward a new and lasting Emotional Connection.


Post Affair Healing – Emotional Recovery

Your spouse had an affair, and you feel sick…

sick down to your soul. How can you move past this point of pain and despair, and feel happy again?

Having your spouse break your trust is one of the cruelest things that could happen to a person. It costs the victim so much.

In this blog, let’s examine the inequality that exists in the post-affair marriage—and how to recover more quickly, if you are the affair victim. Read on…

Post-Affair Marriage: An Uneven Burden

If an accident occurred and you were in pain, you could understand: it was an accident, and I am in pain as a result.

An affair is no accident: it is a premeditated decision, even if your spouse took two seconds to deliberate. Even if right after the sex they say, “What did I just do?” it is still a conscious decision—their foot didn’t slip off the brake accidentally.

An extra-marital affair needs to be fonfronted

Confront The Affair Head-On


When a spouse cheats, you could liken it to a car accident, in which one of the occupants in the vehicle (your marriage) gets thrown about the car, battered, bruised and broken, while the other occupant gets up, brushes themselves off—and goes on with their life seemingly without a scratch.

Even if your spouse is absolutely sick over what they’ve done, incredibly remorseful and begging for forgiveness, you are still the victim who got thrown around, and now need time to heal from being bruised and broken—and you were just an occupant, not at the wheel.

A cheater may push to rebuild the marriage immediately. They are anxious to undo the damage. What a cheater needs to understand is this: the burden, post-affair, is an uneven burden. The victim has so much more to carry, because they are the ones who have been so damaged through the loss of trust, the doubts and questions, the torrent of painful emotions and thoughts surrounding the affair.

An affair victim, in short, is broken across all levels—including their spirit.

Think about it: the emotional blow and the inner monologue you have about the affair, coupled with the sleepless nights, the racing thoughts, the anxiety for the future—it’s enough for anyone to lose hope.

An affair victim can feel so beat down by what has happened, they don’t know how to pick themselves back up. They want to heal, but they are despondent, exhausted, and tortured.

Here’s how to boost your spirit, so you can regain your sense of self beyond the affair and the remnants of your  marriage.

Post Affair Emotional Reoveryy

After the affair – then comes the emotional recovery


Step 1: Doctor’s orders…

Just as if you’d been in a real car accident, you need time to heal. Physically, emotionally and psychologically. You have experienced a trauma. What would a doctor recommend? Rest, and plenty of it. Exercise, to help clear your mind. Support, from loving friends and family. Journaling, to work out the painful emotions.

Take the time to heal—don’t try to push forward until you are ready. You’ll only experience a back-set.

Step 2: Rediscovery

No matter who you are with, or what the future holds for your marriage, you always have YOU. When is the last time you checked in with yourself and did what made you feel confident and happy?

Rediscover those things that feed your soul. At first, you may feel too depressed to do anything. Give yourself a chance: when you feel so depressed you don’t want to move, tell yourself you’re going to do this nice thing for yourself for just two minutes. Then, talk yourself into a few minutes more. Most people, once they get going, gain momentum and dig in to the very thing they’ve been putting off.

Step 3: Make a List of Spirit-Boosting Opportunities

Has your self-esteem been shattered? Then challenge yourself to do something you’ve always wanted to do, like run a marathon, to help boost your self-confidence. When you feel good about yourself, your spirit and outlook naturally radiate. The spirit is like any other part of you: it needs nurturing and attention. Find opportunities to do so.

Do you feel as if your spirit is broken?

What is your biggest struggle each day?

My best wises as you struggle through the emotional pain of your spouse’s affair.


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